Quarantine Blues

And when I wanted something I could write about I guess
I didn't think that meant I'd get this shit depression again
I am aware that I've been pushing down the symptoms yet
I just didn't want to face this shitty part of myself

I'd have more luck in getting better if I tried
To get up outta bed instead I'm forced to stay inside
I don't like looking in the mirror so I close my eyes
Instead of looking in the mirror and understanding why

I am wasting time I'm laying in a coffin bed
And now my bedsheets smell like nothing but the living dead
I think I'm wasting time on nothing to convince myself
That I am weirdly ok wasting into nothingness

Last year flew by like a paper bag in open air
And I was standing on the brink of nothing halfway there
And just as always I got pulled back like a punctured lung
So why do I keep crawling back there like I want to jump

And when I asked for something I could write about I meant
Maybe falling in love though I know it never ends well
There is this thing that feels disgusting being loved and seen
That's why I haven't kissed anyone since I was seventeen

I know I'm not always the worst at every single thing I do
But being isolated with myself just makes it feel so true
My head is pounding like a paper cut and I can't sleep
In fact I wake up every single night at 5 from shitty dreams

This quarantine is fucking up my mental health
I'm counting flakey paint chips as I lay in bed
I get dressed for my own sake to tolerate myself
Cus in my pjs I just feel like I am actually dead

And when I thought I would get better just from working hard
I didn't think about the my-brain-is-just-broken part
I know I'm better than I ever thought I would be yet
I'm not well enough to even be considered well